Before I begin this entry, let me preface it with this….if you can’t respect what is written below, I welcome you (and in fact, encourage you) to stop reading and unfollow this blog before the negativity rolls around in…..not interested…….no hard feelings….

To quote Samantha Jones, “I’m just going to say it out loud, the thing you’re not supposed to say,” and maybe others out there can exhale, knowing someone else feels the same way….

I’m not sure I want another baby.

All my adult life I’ve envisioned having two children. It was just…a given. What I wanted. What would be. Just like my career. It was going to happen. Never a doubt. Never in my life did I imagine though, getting married at 37, having my first child at 38 and now at 40 questioning the entire scope of what my family life will ultimately look like. Living in a two bedroom, fourth floor walk-up and having a particularly, ‘strong-willed’ 20 month old who’s only picking up steam doesn’t help matters. But, I wouldn’t change one single day along the path to arriving at this point in my life, so, what do I want now? How will this realistically play out?

{ And just for the record, this has nothing to do with the INSANELY accurate medium reading I had two months before JQ was conceived, telling me-“1 boy…Yep, 1 boy,” and described the experience and him to a tee even before sperm met egg. Mind you, this is also the same medium who described when and how I would meet, “The Brit”  and get married years earlier…..coincidence….I don’t think so…..But I digress ….}

Of course, the clichéd barrage of well intentioned, but oblivious and presumptuous folks asking, “Soooo, when are you having the next one?”  Or, “You better hurry up and get going with that second one.” Or, (*insert rolled eyes to heaven with look of disgust, horror and/or shock,) “What do you mean you’re not sure about a second one??? That’s not fair to JQ. You gotta.” Well, first of all…..I don’t, “gotta,” do anything and if you know me, you know that telling me what to do really doesn’t fly with me. Secondly, those which have big mouths and even bigger opinions, I have a question or two for you. Are YOU going to help take care of this new baby? Are YOU going to change diapers and clean poop? Are YOU going to breastfeed and pump every few hours until your nipples feel like they’re going to explode like shards of glass from the raw sensation of a gentle breeze blowing by? Are YOU going to babysit everyday while I go back to work or pay for daycare and offer to pitch in at every moment’s notice? Are YOU going to get up for midnight feedings and go through colic, reflux, teething, picky eaters and tantrums (x2) alongside me every single postpartum day? Are YOU paying for college? No????? …..Then mind your business.

However, there are friends who do “get it,” and have the sensitivity to ask in appropriate, less, ‘You are spawn from hell if you only have one kid,’ ways like, “So are you and Chris thinking about another baby?” However it’s asked though doesn’t make this recent ambivalence any easier to swallow.

So where does that leave us? I can’t Pinterest one more pin or Google one more article on why it’s OK to only have one child to justify it in my own head. I can’t seek out one more celebrity or friend on FB with only one child and say to myself, “See they only have one child and their kid looks happy. It’ll be OK.” Marrying an only child who has always been content with only having one child himself doesn’t really help where I’m at in this process either. Of course he would happily jump on board if we go for it, but how can I make a passionate plea when, “Ms. do everything at 110% or not at all,” is currently hovering at about 75%? 85% on a good day. For someone whose main reasons for wanting a sibling for their son was so they wouldn’t be self-centered and wouldn’t be alone in this world is now being matched by other things that seem just as relevant. Time is a cruel thing too and I hate making decisions under pressure, but it’s a fact. I’m trying to make a HUGE decision while whatever viable eggs are left are calling out from the inside, “Bitch, you better make up your mind. I ain’t got all day!!”

Truth? Right now, at this very moment I’m actually fulfilled and content (and… admittedly at times, overwhelmed) with our little triangle. Is that terrible? I’m not sure, but I’m enjoying our little trio in all its fun, chaos, discovery, trials, joy and exhaustion. Every second of it. Even on the days I want to drop kick my kid to China.

All I do lately is think and talk about this in circles over and over again….but as a dear friend recently said to me, “Triangles are nice, Jess. There’s nothing wrong with a triangle.”

But is a triangle just as nice as square? 

I just don’t know. But this is what I do know…today, right at this moment….

Now that JQ is a little older and we’ve got our routine and rhythm going, I am actually  enjoying seeing bits of my old self resurface. That may be horrible to say, but the hardest thing for me about becoming a Mom was losing my independence and all the things associated with that. I never anticipated those emotions occurring, but they did. I still struggle with it. I also love my career and don’t apologize for that. I love getting back that aspect of my life as well. I missed my husband too and am getting quality time back and caring for, “us,” again just as much as JQ. I love that I’m slowly getting a resemblance of a pre-baby body back. I love that emotionally, physically and financially JQ has all of us and we can provide everything for him, take amazing adventures, show him the world, and give him all of our attention and energy and hearts. Did I mention give him all our energy??….because this kid is full throttle from the time he gets up until he crashes at night and will wipe you out and suck every last ounce out of you like a little vampire by the end of the day….all in the best possible way of course….well, most days…..

But even as I write this I feel selfish and inferior to the girlfriends my age who do have multiples, make it work and definitively wanted that next child. Why? Why do I feel that way? And why am I not as sure as they were? They certainly aren’t the ones making me feel that way…..It’s because society makes women feel, ‘less than,’ if they don’t do what they ‘should’ do vs. what their hearts are telling them to do. That insane and relentless pressure to conform even when that might not be best for your life can get to you; even for someone like me who most times doesn’t really give a shit about people’s opinions or what others think of her. But, we’ve all been there with self-doubt one way or another.

So, while I look at my girlfriends, my inspirations of Mommy Goddesses, in amazement, many of whom don’t have every day help from family, I ask myself if I’m any less of a Mom if I only have one child? Will I regret it when it’s too late? Am I depriving my beautiful little boy of having that incredible sibling bond? Am I fucking him up for life?? I mean, I’m sure there a numerous other things I will inadvertently do to screw this kid up along the way, so this may just be adding to it.

I just don’t know what will be. I joyfully see others with their second pregnancy announcements or deliveries and feel a drop in my tummy, maybe of envy or wanting that too but it passes as quickly as it comes when I remember what’s actually involved. Having hindsight is powerful and no joke. I reread my own entries about my fertility journey and there is nothing I wouldn’t have done to get Jackson Quinn here. Nothing. I would have put my body, my heart and my spirit through hell for as long as it took. There is also nothing I wouldn’t have done to give him the best possible start to life. In some ways, I do feel like I gave him all of me, and still happily do. He is my soul. My life. I almost feel guilty being in the head-space I’m in right now to not jump at the chance to have another baby when that’s all I wanted before he got here. Simultaneously, I was always grateful and content with “one good egg,” and I still am. I got my miracle. Everything else is just gravy…..

Plus, I’m 40, my husband is 44….. we tiiiiirrred…..

There are so, so many pros and cons to either scenario; that, I am abundantly aware. In an ideal world, we would have two and I know if we do one day we’ll be overjoyed and couldn’t imagine our family as complete as before they arrived but, it will be a decision made out of readiness and certainty and desire by us, not the pressures of others. And if we don’t, or can’t, we are blessed with THE most amazing, precious, funny, healthy, happy, coolest little boy. He, is more than I ever dreamed or prayed for. And for that, my life is complete.

The way I look at it is this. JQ was supposed to be here; conceived on an off-chance and stuck around to make his way to us. There was never any doubt this was my son. If another baby is supposed to be here to bless our lives, they will be. There is a reason babies are called miracles and what’s meant to be….will be…..I learned that through having him. I take solace in that on the days when uncertainty plays on my mushy Mommy mind…..

But, to all those who do wish for another child, wish for a first, wish for none at all or anywhere in between, follow your gut and know there is someone out there who understands and gets it. You can only make the best decision at that very moment. You and only you know what’s best for you and your family. Try and put the self-doubt aside as hard as it is sometimes and recognize there is no right or wrong, only what’s meant to be. Continue on your own path to what will make you and your family happy….and complete.  I will try to follow my own advice in the days ahead. 😉

A happy, healthy & fulfilled family life to you all in the New Year……

xxx, 

Jess