Dedicated to all women who persevere with unwavering strength & faith & believe in baby-making miracles. You are warriors of the womb.

I need one “good” egg. That’s all. One. It shouldn’t be that difficult. I’m 37 years old and have an FSH of 12 and an AMH of 1.2. Not terrible, but definitely not great. I seem to be, “Falling in a borderline, gray area.” What the hell does that even mean? I have a few good eggs left but more only worthy of the scrambled vs. boiled variety? I’m on my way to menopause? Fertility drugs won’t help? I’m unlikely to conceive naturally? I shouldn’t have waited so long to try and have a baby? WHAT? Well, as my dear husband (or “DH” as I’m quickly learning avid infertility forum writers use) and I enter into the foray of fertility specialists come early August, these are the cards I’m being dealt.          

        Honestly…..it fucking sucks.          

       If I’m going to write this blog, let’s talk about eggs for a second. I need one good, viable egg in order to conceive. That’s what my OB, my Acupuncturist/Chinese Herbalist and countless family and friends remind me of. In fairness, they have been nothing but optimistic- all of them. Hell, I remind myself of this every day since my lab work came back this June. It’s become my mantra. My body’s trying to make ONE baby. That’s it. I’m not trying to be a hero. I’m not trying to be like “Kate Plus 8”, “Octa-Mom” or that Dugger Family. Just one. One that is healthy, happy, ready to live the life we give him; one that’s ours. Essentially, if you think about it, I need one good egg in the hopes to raise “one good egg.” The urban definition of “a good egg” is “a person who is of great standards.” It’s someone you are extremely fond of, think highly of and is a good and kind person. Isn’t that all we really hope for when we have and raise children anyway? Don’t we just wish that their soul and spirit are a benefit to making the world a better place? Well, I know in my gut (or as my mother lovingly refers to as my “witch vibe,”) my good egg is waiting to make his appearance. Although…….because I also fully believe that my future child will give me a run for my money, it doesn’t surprise me that he is starting now before he is even conceived. I mean, look who is mother is. He will be loving and kind but he will be a ball-buster; too smart for his own good, an old soul, an adventurer, an artist and a free spirit who does things on his own terms, in his own time. This, I know already. This is why I also believe that as much as I try to control this situation and get frustrated month after month, ultimately, he’s going to come when he’s ready. Not when I want him to; no matter how much I pray or will it to happen. (And yes, I know I keep using “him”…..mainly because I have always believed I will have a boy.) This baby’s “do things on my own terms” attitude is not to be confused however with him ever being referred to as “a bad egg.” Bad-ass, definitely; Bad egg, never. Funny enough, the term “bad egg” was British school slang in the 1800’s referring to someone not nice. Ironically, my husband Chris is British (aka, “The Brit”) so this reference is amusing to me. However, this child will not fall into this category because he has a mother who with one knowing look will get her point across…..clearly.          

          So, why am I here when there are countless infertility blogs out there that already inspire and serve as a platform for the discussion? Well, truth be told, since my miscarriage in January of this year, this discussion on infertility, miscarriage, IVF, reproductive endocrinologists, etc. is still very hush-hush. Taboo. Awkward.          

          WHY?          

          If there are so many women blogging about it, why does it still seem nobody dares to talk about it? I have heard more stories from women about themselves struggling with the same issues, have lost a child, know someone who’s lost a child, etc. since disclosing my miscarriage. So if the problem exists, where is the support? Where is the dialogue? Where is the media attention?          

          My hope is to take you on this journey with us as we start our next phase into getting this ballbuster of a baby here. This blog is meant to inspire, to enlighten, to support and to give women like me a new kind of voice. One of complete, no holds barred, no sugarcoating , raw dialogue and emotion. Hopefully my humor and candor will make you laugh along the way too. Infertility is a roller coaster of a ride and I hope my words speak volume. What I’m not here to do is to judge nor compare myself to anyone’s infertility journey. The emotions and experiences we all endure share a common thread which hopefully will make this relatable, but every single woman going through this is an individual with their own process. Being in the performing arts my whole life, I’m big on the creative process. Everyone’s is unique as their own child will be and should be respected.          

         There is no handbook on coping with this. It’s hard, it’s scary, it’s draining and it’s overwhelming. And honestly, nobody fully understands unless they’ve been through it no matter how supportive they are and try to relate. To consider the fact that you may not be able to do the one thing your body is made to do, is disheartening. You feel broken, unable to comprehend why your body isn’t cooperating. You feel inferior, defeated, unwomanly and at times, a failure. With every month that pregnancy test comes back negative you have to wipe the tears, let yourself be disappointed and press the restart button. It is not for the faint of heart. It will take a toll on you, so you need to be kind to yourself. Listen to your inner voice and do what only YOU need to do. In many ways, being a dancer and going to audition after audition has prepared me for this; the rejection, the disappointment, the questioning of your own abilities; they all relate. But…..at some point you do book that job and the pain and suffering  is somehow unmemorable when you’re up on that stage night after night doing what you love. This will be no different. And, in the end, this will undoubtedly be my most treasured production yet.          

          Here, I will share the things I want to share, that I feel are relevant and women (and partners) can relate to. I write unapologetically because infertility is unapologetic. The things I don’t want to share, I won’t. If my honesty is too much, then kindly read another infertility blog on the web. Every writer’s voice is not everyone’s cup of tea (see how I slipped another British reference in there for my husband?….You’ll be seeing lots of those.;))          

          What I am though is real and madly in love with my husband and this child who’s not even here yet. Even on my most hopeless days, deep down I know I will be a mommy. I choose to have faith and follow my guttural instinct that we will be a family soon. This blog is my catharsis; my therapy throughout this journey to keep me sane, keep my relationship strong and to shine a light on something that needs more attention. Along the way, I hope I can share my experiences and make you smile. In the end of all this, I know I will be holding my “little egg” and know you will too. Keep the faith. With that, 1goodegg.com is hatched.

Jessie