By Chris…..a.k.a “The Brit”………
When my wife first suggested writing a blog to retain her sanity as we set out on our fertility journey, I couldn’t have been more supportive of the idea. “Great idea!” said I, “Go Balls-out;” not knowing at the time I was going to get drawn into becoming a contributory writer. Then again, I should have known better. Have you met her? Hmmm, of course you have……. so you know what a strong minded woman she is.
I’d put off writing this for some time, why? I have no idea. Perhaps it was the thought of putting my own personal life out there on public display even if it was only to a limited group of family, friends & acquaintances, but deep down I knew that having nodded compliantly some months ago there was no going back. So here it is. The middle aged alpha-male perspective on all this!
I guess, subconsciously I’d never really given much thought to having kids of my own, even as most of my contemporaries were having families, I thought of myself as “Will”, “Cool Uncle Will,” like the character Hugh Grant plays in the film “About a Boy”. I still considered that I had plenty of time for all that sort of thing but the truth of the matter was, that as much as my wife’s body clock was ticking, the realisation set in that mine was too! I finally recognized that I didn’t want to be a geriatric dad, but at the age of 42 maybe that’s exactly what I would be. Granted, my wife & I couldn’t have met & married any earlier & our entire journey has been as fast-tracked as it possibly could have been. So, nonetheless, these were the cards we’d been dealt, but with that, my own fertility was brought starkly into question and that was something I’d never considered before!
So, as my wife & I sat in the reproductive endocrinologist office considering the prospect of IVF treatment, the topic of conversation turned to focus on me.
“And of course, as part of the pre-screening, we’ll ask your husband to provide a sperm sample for all the usual testing. Just make an appointment at the front desk to tender the sample on site”.
Now, I should say at this point, I’m not naively Neanderthal to think I wouldn’t be required to do this, but I suddenly gave thought to how it all works. I envisaged a white padded room, with plastic chair and pornographic literature from the 1960’s. I’d been in pressure situations before but this was something else. How could I be expected to perform under such conditions? I needed mood lighting, scented candles, privacy & a snuggle rug along with my iPhone.
“Alternatively, ask the nurse to provide you with a sterile receptacle on the way out & you can work from home, but remember the sample has to be dropped into our office within 45 minutes.”
Phew, now this was much better. Plus, I had the added benefit of my wife being “on hand” to help out. Anyway, when the time came, my delivery was modest to say the least and my male ego was sufficiently bruised in front of my ever supportive wife, even though we did laugh about it afterwards! If that wasn’t disconcerting enough though, it was nothing to the embarrassment I experienced upon getting to the clinic in order to make the “drop-off”. Expecting to be first on line as the doors opened at 7.30am, I was greeted by a packed waiting room full of the opposite sex. I nervously fumbled through my work bag for the sample and felt a bead of sweat form on my forehead as I sheepishly told the admin girl, “I….. I know it’s in here somewhere!” Needless to say, I handed it over & completed the receipt forms before sheepishly dashing for the nearest exit.
Now that I’m through with the comedic element of all this, there is a serious point to make here. A couple’s fertility issues are something that need to be managed collectively & sympathetically by both partners. The one thing I’ve learnt on the journey thus far is that it’s vital that both individuals listen to one another every step of the way & really hear what the other is saying, but it’s equally important that you give each other space to rationalize each other’s private thoughts over any given issue. The fertility journey requires us to make huge decisions; often with a sense of urgency about things we never previously considered and these thoughts can weigh heavily, especially when the final outcome can last a lifetime.
I remember one afternoon when my wife & I were looking even further ahead and discussing the possibilities of egg donors, sperm donors, surrogate mothers or even the prospect of adoption. As an engineer I’m conditioned on solving the immediate problem at hand & I never try to get too far ahead but during this particular discussion I began to wonder if that route really was for me. Could I be a good father to a child where only half the gene pool emanated from one side of our marriage? This was huge and I have the utmost respect for those who have the courage to pursue this part of the journey, but the question remained……. was this for me? At the time of writing, I’m still undecided!
The more I debate the issue in my head the more I begin to realize it was my acceptance of an intrusion into our relationship that I was questioning. In my experience, it’s rare to find two people in their late 30’s or early 40’s these days that are getting together and don’t have children from a previous relationship. My wife & I were different here. The fact remained though, instead of creating something new borne out of our relationship, I might be forced to accept that we’d have to open up our lives to something from outside. It wasn’t so much as to whether I could do it as to whether I wanted to. It was somehow an invasion of our intimacy.
The one thing I now know is that I’d need a lot more time to wrap my head around this because the decision isn’t mine alone & whatever I decide affects wifey too. Ultimately, our family unit is the most important thing to me & given that we both have so much to offer as prospective parents, I think I’d eventually be entirely accepting of whatever our journey turns out to be.
1 Good Egg 